Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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