me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
