He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
