Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
