remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
