textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
