Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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