You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
