nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
