Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
