i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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