Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
