I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
