I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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