Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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