I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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