Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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