My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
