you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
