you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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