If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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