i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
