Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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