I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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