3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Pooping to opera.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
