I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
