if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
