i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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