Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
