i may or may not be watching the land before time
sarcasm needs its own font
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
