Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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