i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
