if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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