Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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