I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
