God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
