You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
