She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
