I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
