operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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