i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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