Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
