I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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