There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
