look no pants
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
