Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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