don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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