Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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