I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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