what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
