i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So many bounce houses so little time
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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