Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
